Bullying or Just Drama? The School Counselor’s Guide to Getting It Right

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Every school counselor has been there—stuck in a conversation where the word "bullying" is thrown around, but something feels off.

A parent demands action because their child was left out of a game at recess. A teacher sends a referral for a “bullying” case that turns out to be a one-time disagreement. Meanwhile, students facing real, targeted harassment often go unnoticed in the noise.

So, how do you cut through the confusion and handle these situations the right way?

Here’s what I'm talking about in this episode:

- The 3 key markers of real bullying (and why missing even one changes everything)
- The biggest mistakes schools make when defining bullying—and how to fix them
- How to explain bullying vs. drama to parents, teachers, and admin (without the pushback)
- What to do when students over-report (or under-report) bullying
- The exact words to use when a parent insists, “This IS bullying!”

If you’re tired of mediating every social conflict and want a clear strategy for handling true bullying cases, this episode is for you.

00:00 Introduction: The Bullying Dilemma

01:23 Understanding the Difference: Bullying vs. Drama

05:15 Key Indicators of Bullying

06:54 Handling Peer Drama

08:57 Communicating with Parents and Administrators

12:48 Effective Responses to Bullying and Peer Conflict

19:27 Resources

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Chapters

• 0:12 Facing the Bullying Claim Challenge
• 1:35 Defining True Bullying vs. Peer Drama
• 6:06 Communicating Effectively With Parents
• 9:36 Proper Response Strategies for Each Situation
• 17:57 Behavior Breakthrough Kit Introduction
• 22:34 Closing Thoughts and Next Episode Preview

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

You're in a parent meeting or maybe in a phone call, and you can feel it coming before they even say it. My child is a victim of bullying. The parent's frustration is probably written all over their face. You can hear it in their voice and you can tell they want action now. So you jump into action too. You start digging, you start asking questions, checking behavior reports, talking to teachers, expecting to find some sort of clear-cut case. But what do you find? Instead, you find a disagreement over who gets to sit at what table during lunch. Does this sound familiar to your school and your work?

Speaker 1: 1:06

Hey, welcome back to the School for School Counselors podcast, where we're skipping the fluff and we're getting straight into real strategies that actually work in the trenches. I'm Steph Johnson, a full-time school counselor just like you, who's been exactly where you are now feeling overloaded, undervalued and trying to do the best for your students with way too little time and autonomy. And today we're going to break down one of the biggest time wasters in school counseling, and that's the time spent sorting out the differences between bullying and drama. Every year, school counselors spend hours upon hours investigating bullying claims that aren't actually bullying, and it's not just frustrating to devote so much time to something like that. It's a problem because when everything gets labeled as bullying, the real cases that need attention get overlooked and we get stuck mediating every single little student disagreement instead of focusing on the work that actually moves the needle. When I was a beginning school counselor, I had to learn this the hard way, I will admit I thought I was helping by jumping into every conflict that was reported to me, was helping by jumping into every conflict that was reported to me, trying to help students resolve all the things. But in the end I created more work for myself and I wasn't actually teaching students how to handle their own social challenges. And once I realized this and I'll admit it took a little bit longer than it probably should have I was able to shift my approach, and that's when I really saw a difference, and today I want to share with you how to make that difference too. Now a lot of people on our campuses believe that calling everything bullying just makes students feel more supported, but in reality it actually does the opposite. When every single student conflict gets labeled as bullying, it weakens the term and then, when real bullying happens, it doesn't get the attention it deserves.

Speaker 1: 3:31

Let me tell you about a school counselor. She's theoretical, but I bet you probably know her pretty well. We'll call her Melissa. Melissa was drowning in so-called bullying referrals. She was handling dozens of lunchroom disputes, dozens of lunchroom disputes, arguments over who said what, when, where and why, and complaints from parents about social media drama that never seemed to end. But after months of these exhausting interventions she noticed something really important Her actual bullying cases weren't getting better. When she figured out how to stop lumping every single mean interaction under the bullying umbrella and instead handle peer drama differently, her time all of a sudden started freeing up. Her interventions were more effective and students started learning how to handle their own conflicts instead of just showing up and reporting them. Does that feel familiar? So if calling everything bullying is actually hurting us and we know that's happening on our school campuses then how do we know when something is bullying? There are three key factors we always need to look for, and if all of these three are present, then we know we're dealing with a true bullying situation. You probably already know these, but it's important to keep going over them so that we stay sharp, we stay focused in these situations and we're able to intervene effectively when we have so many emotions flying this way and that Bullying has three key indicators power, pattern and intent.

Speaker 1: 5:36

And intent Power refers to a power imbalance. It's when one student somehow holds more influence and they use it to intimidate. It could be social influence, so we're typically talking about the popular kids, the it girl. Sometimes it's physical power, sometimes they're larger, they're taller, or sometimes it's emotional power. They have some larger, they're taller, or sometimes it's emotional power. They have some sort of bargaining chip. They're hanging over the other student's head but they use this power to intimidate. That's one. The second indicator is pattern. If it's not just a one-time fight, if it's repeated and the victim is starting to feel helpless or hopeless that it's ever going to be resolved, that indicates you might be looking at a bullying situation.

Speaker 1: 6:19

But you have to have all three. And the third indicator is intent, where it's not just an argument, it's not just an isolated or short-term disagreement, it's a deliberate attempt to hurt another student, to isolate them or to degrade them. If we see all three of these, that's when we're looking at bullying. But think about the last bullying report that you got. Did it actually meet all of these criteria? Chances are, statistically it didn't.

Speaker 1: 7:01

So then let's flip this and let's look at the opposite of bullying. What happens when a student is upset but the situation doesn't meet all three of those indicators? That's when we know we're dealing with peer drama, which is super frustrating. But y'all, it is not the same thing as bullying. Peer drama is different because there's mutual conflict. Both students are participating equally in the dispute. There's no power imbalance like there is in bullying. Nobody's using status or influence to overcome or dominate the other person. And this drama is situational. These are one-time or temporary conflicts. It's not patterns of intentional harassment.

Speaker 1: 7:56

Usually, when we talk about peer drama, we see something like social exclusion or where a student doesn't get invited to something and so they call that bullying. Or we might see students calling each other names and those one-time insults get reporting as ongoing harassment. They call me names every day and when you get down to it, that's really not what's going on. And my personal favorite social media fights where things get heated online and then all of a sudden it gets labeled as cyberbullying. But again, we've got to remember we have to have all three conditions in place for it to actually be bullying. I bet you've probably had a student show up in your office or have their parent report that they were being bullied at school, and then you jumped in to help investigate or to help tease out what was going on and you really found out it was an isolated incident or a single argument. That is where this distinction matters.

Speaker 1: 9:04

Now, knowing the difference between bullying and drama as a school counselor is one thing, but how about convincing parents and administrators? That's a whole different challenge. Because, let's be honest, when a parent walks into your office, they do not care about what the definition of true bullying actually is. They care that their child is upset, and if we don't handle this conversation in the right way, we are going to risk losing their trust before the conversation even begins. And this is where a lot of school counselors just give in right, because sometimes it's easier to go along to get along. So we need to make sure that we're not throwing in the towel from the beginning because we feel intimidated by the conversation.

Speaker 1: 9:58

How do we explain these differences in a way that actually lands with the parents? The way that we explain this difference is going to make all the difference. We can't say things like well, this isn't bullying, because it sounds dismissive and the parent is not gonna be happy with you. We can't say things like well, you know, this is just part of growing up, you know it's just gonna be tough for a little while. That alienates the parent and their concerns for their kid. And we certainly don't want to say and there's not a lot I can do about this, because then that makes you look like you're powerless and you may be thinking I would never say those things to a parent. But I promise you those things happen every day.

Speaker 1: 10:50

So what do we do? Instead, we can say something like I totally see why this is upsetting. So let's figure out the best way to support your child, because whether this is bullying or it's just a conflict, they both deserve my attention. That way, we are not agreeing with their assessment of bullying, but we're also not dismissing it. We can also approach it like this hey, you know, in order to qualify as bullying, it has to meet certain criteria. What's happening here, I think, is more of a peer conflict, but that's actually amazing news, because that means we have ways we can work through it and it's going to get resolved much faster.

Speaker 1: 11:38

When we frame it that way, it's really hard to argue with right. Nobody wants to say the behavior doesn't match your definition, but I still know it's bullying and I want this to take a long time and be really hard. Nobody's going to say that, or you could just explain hey, I hate that this is happening. And here's what I can tell you. I'm going to focus on giving your student the tools that they need to navigate these kinds of conflicts successfully, and so by the end of this thing, they're going to be feeling stronger and more confident for the next time they feel some conflict with someone else. Having words like this at the ready will save you so much stress in these conversations, because they don't require you to capitulate to the parents' demands. You're able to hold your ground, but also explain how and why it may not be bullying and how you're going to help anyway. So we've covered what bullying is and what it isn't, and we've talked about how to explain it to parents and administrators. But y'all, the story doesn't end there, because that's half the battle.

Speaker 1: 12:55

The real question becomes what do we actually do when these situations are brought to our attention? Let me walk through how we should respond whether it's legit bullying or whether it's just pure conflict. That needs a different approach. First, of course we're looking for that power imbalance. If we have two students that have a disagreement over whose seat it is in the cafeteria, that's not bullying. But if one student always gets their way and the other one's afraid to speak up, then we've got a power imbalance. If you've ever dealt with a situation where one student was just way more socially dominant and the other student felt kind of powerless around them, that's when this step really matters. We've got to look for the power imbalance.

Speaker 1: 13:50

Then we look to see is this a one-time incident or is this a pattern? If a student gets called stupid once in an argument, it's mean but it's not bullying. But if that changes and then every day for weeks there's a group of kids that whisper stupid every time that kid walks by, that becomes bullying. So we have to find out. Has this happened before? How often has it happened? Third, is there an intent to harm? Third, is they're in intent to harm?

Speaker 1: 14:24

The goal of bullying is to make someone feel small or scared or powerless. But peer drama is usually reactionary. They get mad at each other, they lash out and then they move on somehow. It's kind of like two girls and a rumor. I'm sure you've never had that situation at your school, right? Right? One student says I can't believe, you told everybody that. And the other student gets caught off guard and says whatever, I don't even care. That's an emotional reaction and it's not bullying. But if the same girl spread the rumor intentionally and maybe sends text messages or make social media posts telling people to avoid her because of this rumor and sort of makes it their mission to isolate that student, that becomes bullying. So we really have to be intentional on spotting the differences. Is there a power imbalance? Is there a pattern and is there intent to harm? Is there a pattern and is there intent to harm? Okay, so then, now that we can spot the difference, let's talk about what to do next, because how we respond matters just as much or even more as defining it in the first place.

Speaker 1: 15:51

If we treat bullying like it's just peer conflict, we fail to protect the student that's being targeted. But if we treat peer conflict like bullying, then we escalate something kids could resolve on their own. So it gets dicey. We've got to make sure that we have the right read on the situation and then the right approach. Let's start with what to do. When it actually really is bullying there is a power imbalance, a pattern and intent to harm.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Of course we're going to intervene immediately. We've got to stop the behavior before it escalates. We have to separate these students, make sure everybody feels safe and we need to support the target. We need to create a safe space for them to be in when they're at school and provide some coping strategies to get through the situation. We also, after consequences are dealt out and that is not in your wheelhouse, that needs to be your administration we need to find out why the bully is engaging in this type of behavior. We need to get to the root of the issue so that we can help prevent it from happening again, and we need to involve staff and parents. We need a consistent school-wide approach that translates to home. So, in addressing bullying, we're intervening, supporting the target, addressing the root cause with the bully, and we're creating a wraparound approach between school and home. But y'all, let's be real, most of what gets brought to us isn't actually bullying. It's friendship drama, it's social tension, it's everyday conflict and while that may not really be dangerous, it still causes a lot of real stress for students and if we don't handle it right, it's going to cause stress for us too, right.

Speaker 1: 17:59

So how do we manage peer conflict without getting stuck in the zone where we're expected to mediate every single disagreement that pops up between students? First, we have to teach self-advocacy. We have to help students communicate clearly and confidently. We have to give them the self-concept, as well as the words sometimes, to be able to do that. We can coach problem-solving skills. We can help students look at ways that they can find solutions to the situation instead of just escalating them situation. Instead of just escalating them, we can model healthy conflict resolution. We can show them how to disagree with each other without becoming disrespectful and that's a huge lesson that a lot of our students are not learning elsewhere.

Speaker 1: 18:42

And we can validate feelings in these situations of peer conflict. We shouldn't just dismiss it. We shouldn't just say, oh, that shouldn't bother you, this is a one-time thing that's not going to get you where you want to go. Validate their feelings, but also empower them to action. Let's move them from this is totally unfair to. This is what I'm going to do about it. Solution-focused approaches, if it's appropriate for your age range, is going to work masterfully here, all right.

Speaker 1: 19:16

So addressing peer conflict, self-advocacy, problem-solving, healthy conflict resolution and validating feelings, while still empowering students to take action. This is just kind of the first steps to addressing these situations and I want to tell you we talk about these kinds of things all the time in our School for School Counselors Mastermind. So if you want to dive deeper into these topics, if you want to get real time, real world insights into situations that are happening on your specific campus in your unique circumstances, you need to look at joining us in the Mastermind. You can find out more at schoolforschoolcounselorscom. Slash mastermind.

Speaker 1: 20:01

And before you go, I have something for you. If you feel like handling behavior and behavior concerns on your campus is just taking up way too much of your time, you might need to look into my behavior breakthrough kit. Now we're just gauging interest in this kit, but it's looking like it's going to be a thing jam-packed full of ready-to-use strategies that help you to reduce disruptions, support students more effectively and stop behavior issues before they start spiraling out of control. There are lots of things in here, but the things I'm most proud of are a new flow chart I just developed for Next Steps in Behavior Support, where you can literally start at the top of the chart and work your way through. Is this true, yes or no? Then go to the next option Is this true, yes or no? And it's going to lead you to your next best step.

Speaker 1: 21:04

The other thing that I've included in this and again, there's tons of stuff in this kit is a decision tree for dysregulation versus defiance. How many times have you worked with a student? You've been called for them over and over again and you can't help but think are they really this dysregulated or are they playing me a little bit? Have you ever had that niggle of doubt in the back of your mind? This decision tree is going to help you make that determination, to the best of your knowledge. It's a fantastic resource. I've never seen anything like it anywhere else and I'm going to include it in the Behavior Breakthrough Kit. You can find out about all the components in the kit by going and signing up for the waitlist. I will include a link to the waitlist in the kit by going and signing up for the wait list. I will include a link to the wait list in the show notes here. Or you can go to the homepage schoolforschoolcounselorscom and at the very top there will be a spot that you can click and enter your information so that you are the first to know when the Behavior Breakthrough Kit is released.

Speaker 1: 22:08

All right, I know this episode covered a ton, but if there's anything I want you to take away from this episode, it's this that when we define bullying correctly, it helps us protect the students who truly need our help, and that when we teach kids to handle conflict, we truly empower them for life. And, as a bonus, when we can communicate these differences clearly, we're going to build credibility not only with parents, but also with our administrators. So if this episode helped you clarify those differences, help me spread the word. You can share this episode with a school counseling friend who could use it, and you can also hit subscribe in your podcast player so that when the next episode comes out and spoiler alert the next episode is going to be focused on more behavior, intervention tactics and strategies You're going to be first in line to receive all the awesomeness. All right, I'll be back soon with another episode of the School for School Counselors podcast and in the meantime, I hope you have the best week. Take care, my friend.