School for School Counselors Podcast

Why Some School Counselors Get Ignored and Others Don’t

• School for School Counselors • Episode 151

Share episode

Why do some school counselors get a seat at the table while others get sidelined, no matter how qualified they are? In this episode, we’re breaking down what actually builds trust with school leaders and how to develop the on-the-fly fluency and presence that turn you into the go-to, not the afterthought.

-----

Being good at your job isn’t always enough. You can have the training, the data, and a deep commitment to students... and still get left out of the decision-making process on your campus.

Why? Because influence in schools isn’t about credentials.

It’s about trust.

In this episode, we’re talking about what actually earns school counselors a seat at the table, and why the real key isn’t advocacy, a perfect program, or another use-of-time chart.

You’ll learn:

  • Why some school counselors get access and others don’t
  • The five relational traits that build real trust with administrators
  • How to develop on-the-fly fluency that earns instant credibility
  • When it’s time to stop chasing influence and pivot strategically
  • And how to start showing up like a trusted advisor, even without the title

If you’ve ever been passed over, second-guessed, or told to “just follow the model,” this episode is your blueprint for stepping into leadership the right way, without burning out or selling out.

Because trusted advisors aren’t appointed.

They’re revealed- one  moment at a time.


Need a downloadable recap of this episode? Say no more!
Go here to get a free copy.


*********************************

⭐️ Want support with real-world strategies that actually work on your campus? We’re doing that every day in the School for School Counselors Mastermind. Come join us! ⭐️

**********************************


Our goal at School for School Counselors is to help school counselors stay on fire, make huge impacts for students, and catalyze change for our roles through grassroots advocacy and collaboration. Listen to get to know more about us and our mission, feel empowered and inspired, and set yourself up for success in the wonderful world of school counseling.

Hang out in our Facebook group
Jump in, ask questions, share your ideas and become a part of the most empowering school counseling group on the planet! (Join us to see if we're right.)

Join the School for School Counselors Mastermind
The Mastermind is packed with all the things your grad program never taught you IN ADDITION TO unparalleled support and consultation. No more feeling alone, invisible, unappreciated, or like you just don't know what to do next. We've got you!

Did someone share this podcast with you? Be sure to subscribe for all the new episodes!!


Speaker 1:

What if I told you that being good at your job, maybe even great at your job, is not enough to earn you a seat of the table of influence? What if I told you that you could show up every day consistently helping students in very meaningful ways, follow all the right quote-unquote frameworks for school counseling and still get dismissed or excluded or sidelined by your school's leadership team? This episode came about because every single year, without fail, I start seeing posts from school counselors on social media that absolutely break my heart. They are people who are being told that they are losing their counseling spaces, they're being moved to subprime locations on their school campuses and they don't understand why. Or, even worse, they're being relegated to a different role than they've served, usually as that of an SEL teacher instead of a school counselor. And these folks show up on social media. They want to vent, they want to get advice and they want desperately to find out what went wrong. And my heart goes out to them every single time, because here's the truth that nobody told you in grad school Decisions on a school campus are not made by the most qualified person qualified person. They're made by the person who is most trusted, and trust does not come from data, it doesn't come from ASCA frameworks and it definitely does not come from advocating for your program, at least not in the way you were taught.

Speaker 1:

If you have ever watched your administrator turn to the golden one for input, you know who I'm talking about all while they're ignoring your expertise. Or if you've ever felt stuck and wondering how you can build influence on your campus when no one seems interested in what you bring to the table, this episode is for you. Hey, my friend, welcome back. I'm Steph Johnson, a licensed professional counselor and full-time school counselor, just like you. If you're tired of school counseling advice that sounds like it came from Pinterest, you're in the right place Around. Here, we're keeping it real, we're keeping it grounded and I'm giving you tools and ideas that actually work, because you deserve more than pretty graphics and empty promises. Okay, so today we're talking about something that your school counselor training and professional development probably never covered how to become the kind of school counselor that your principal actually listens to. And they don't listen to you because of your credentials or because you printed off another data report. They listen because you've built the kind of presence that earns influence, whether or not your school district officially considers school counselors as leaders or not.

Speaker 1:

So let's jump into this. I will tell you that I have been on a little bit of a tangent lately, especially in the past couple of weeks and in my mastermind about how we prepare school counselors to work on campuses, because, I'm going to be very blunt, I think we are doing it wrong. You can walk into a school building as the most competent, ethical, well-trained school counselor they have ever seen and odds are, you're still going to get ignored. You could be making huge impacts with students right off the bat. You might be bringing research-based solutions or strong data, you might be able to show real results, but when your campus administration starts making decisions, you are nowhere in that room. You're not consulted, you're not invited, you're not even heard, and y'all that hurts.

Speaker 1:

So many school counselors have shared different versions of this story throughout my years in this field, and the problem, I think, isn't that you're not doing enough. The problem is you haven't been told the truth about how trust works in schools, because we're told to advocate for our programs right, put quotation marks around that. We're told to log our time. We are told to use ASCA-aligned language and frameworks. We're told to share the results of our use of time data and inform administrators about what we should and should not be doing. But the trust that you need does not come from shows of competence. It doesn't come from endlessly educating people about the national model and it doesn't come from barking about what we should or should not be asked to do. Trust comes from closeness and relationship and being someone that your administrator feels safe with, even if they don't completely understand what you do all day. You can have all the credentials in the world, you can have all the accolades and all the data and all the things, but if you have not built relational capital with your administrator, if you have not first laid that personal foundation, you're going to be dead in the water. Here's what I mean, and you're going to know when I say this that this is the truth.

Speaker 1:

Many, many school campuses are cliques and many, many administrators tend to keep only certain people close to them, and these are usually people who look like them, think like them or tell them what they want to hear. In our mastermind. We recently had a Saturday morning coffee chat and we called these people the golden ones. You know what I mean. You probably have some on your campus. These are the staff members whose ideas are always considered, whose mistakes are always forgiven and whose influence is pretty unquestioned. And then there's you, who's trying to offer strategies and insight and solutions, and you're getting ignored. So let me be very clear right off the bat If you have done all the right things and you still feel locked out of influence on your campus, it's probably not you. It might just be the culture of the campus, culture of the campus, and so it's important to remember that is not a personal failure. Instead, you have to frame it as an opportunity to build yourself into a trusted advisor.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you're looking to become a trusted advisor, that does not mean that you are aiming to be your principal's bestie. It doesn't mean that you have to be their sidekick or their yes person or their emotional dumping ground. Being a trusted advisor means that your administrator seeks your insight, that you know your input is going to be respected, even if it challenges what other people are saying, and it means that your ideas are going to be acted on in some way, not just tolerated. When you are a trusted advisor, you are a thought partner. You are a translator between school systems and family systems and community systems. You become that solid, reliable presence in the room when everything else is swirling in this crazy vortex of emotion. But in order to become that trusted advisor, you have to get really clear on not only what it is but how you get there.

Speaker 1:

I think that there are five relational qualities that lay the foundation for becoming this kind of advisor or developing more influence on your campus. First is your emotional consistency. When the fires start burning, you're not the one pouring gasoline on them. You are the calm one, you're reliable, you're grounded, you are unshakable and unfortunately I'm going to be real here A lot of school counselors think they provide that emotional consistency. But when you see them in real time and people walk by and say things like, hey, how are you doing? They're saying things like oh my gosh, I just can't wait for Friday. Or oh, I'm so overwhelmed, I'm so busy. When we have responses like that on campus, not saying you can't be real, but you need to be selective in who you talk to in that way, because it is going to reflect on your role as a whole and your administrator is looking for someone who is emotionally consistent. That's how they know they can trust you. They're gonna be able to trust your responses.

Speaker 1:

Second is mutual respect. You have to communicate that kind of respect to your administrator overtly. If you're expecting them just to notice that you respect them or just to pick up on your vibe, they might not. They're pretty busy, they've got a lot of decisions going and they might not grasp what you're trying to communicate indirectly. So be direct about it. Third, share humanity. Be a person and not a position. Show warmth, ask questions. Don't always be all business and then wonder why you're not connecting with your principal. Now let's be honest. Some administrators are really hard to connect with. They play things very close to the vest, but the good news is you have the skill set to break through that because you are a trained counselor. You can handle that. You're just going to have to go in with intention.

Speaker 1:

Fourth, you need to provide gentle honesty. You have to be able to speak the truth about people and situations, but do so in a way that feels very kind. Use language that invites reflection instead of defensiveness. So instead of saying something like, well, that's a good idea, but I think maybe we should try this, you say things like I'm wondering if we tried this thing, if we might see better results, or I'm wondering if we tried this, if we might see that. And five, in the midst of all of this, don't forget to protect your own emotional boundaries. You can be supportive and be that source of emotional consistency for the people around you, but you've got to be careful not to absorb everyone else's anxiety or big feelings, because when you're the one that's always remaining calm or grounded, that becomes emotional labor, right. So you just need to make sure you're managing it wisely so you don't lose that emotional consistency. So that's all great, it sounds awesome in theory, but how do we actually put this all in motion? Here is kind of an action plan of steps that you can follow in your day-to-day work, and if you've ended your school year already, you can go grab the printable of these and just stick it in your file folder for next year as a reminder of a different way to start the school year.

Speaker 1:

First, when we talk about emotional consistency, we need to be the first to name the emotion without feeding the dumpster fire. So we say things like man, this is really intense, but we can get through it. Or man, it seems like this really has you on edge, but I think I have a solution. Principles will remember, who helped them stay calm and grounded and who see them in the situation, who are able to empathize with where they are, as a human being as well as a leader. We can also offer help in the form of direct solutions, not just vague support, so we can say things like do you want me to handle this parent call so you can go prep for your walkthroughs? Do you want me to check in with this kiddo really quickly so that you are not late for your IEP meeting? Whatever it is, it shows that you see the reality that they're working in and you can lighten their load without stepping on their toes. Now, this doesn't mean taking on all the things right and then making your job feel overwhelming because you're trying to build mutual respect with these folks, but if it's something that you can take on, that you can accomplish in a minute or two and it's not going to overwhelm, you definitely offer to do that. You can reference something real when you happen to pass by these folks or you check in in their office and just be a real human being and let them know that you see them as a real human being. How did your daughter's tournament go this weekend? Or how's the new puppy? Those small, consistent connections build closeness. You know this right.

Speaker 1:

But for some reason in the context of our relationships with our administrators, we often forget that Sometimes they come across as very terse or all business and we feel like we cannot engage in that stuff. But if we keep our ears open and we watch for the opportunities, they are going to pay off so big. We need to position ourselves as thoughtful advisors and not confrontational Administrators. I think are pretty used to being confronted about things when others think they've got a different idea. So let's flip the script on that and let's say things like I wonder if we've considered doing this. I wonder if anybody's ever tried this thing To offer solutions in a way that doesn't feel like well, I mean, I think we should do this and if you don't agree with me, then we might have a problem.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes that's the way that stuff comes across. So we're just going to be really gentle and really wondering, just like we do in our counseling sessions. I'm noticing, I'm wondering have you ever thought about those kinds of things instead of automatically just launching into? Here's what I think we should do, and then we can empathize with our administrators in tough situations without becoming a sponge for their distress. Do you want some ideas for solutions or you just need to vent for a minute Because that was big right? That totally changes the paradigm of the conversation, if it's delivered correctly. But you could just periodically choose one of these tactics to try and see how it goes over, because becoming a trusted advisor isn't about just overhauling everything overnight and expecting to be seen in a completely different light. That's not the way it works. But it's about intentionally and incrementally acting like the trusted advisor that you want to become, and this is a timeline that's not going to be measured in weeks or maybe even months. This could be a year or more as you're turning this relationship around. So keep your eye on that long game. But then let's take this even a step deeper, because administrators rely on people that not only see them and hear them and provide emotional stability and all that great stuff, but who also can deliver the goods.

Speaker 1:

One of the fastest ways to build credibility with your principal is to know what to do in the moment and to be able to talk about it with clarity. When you have a kid that's melting down in the hallway and nobody can bring them down, or a teacher is overwhelmed and they don't know what else to try, or a parent is in the middle of a meeting and they drop this insane curveball. Can you offer insight on the spot? Because that kind of on-the-fly fluency is what really builds clout. It shows your principal that you don't just care and you're not just good at feelings and ideas, but you're someone who knows. And that kind of fluency builds relationships. It helps your principal and administrators feel not just emotionally safe around you but professionally safe. They start to listen, they defer to you, they begin to trust you because they can see that you know what you're talking about. You move up the ladder from good coworker to eventually the go-to. But, my friend, that does not happen by accident. It's built through reps, it's built through reflection and it's built through the kinds of supports that help sharpen your heart and your skill. You're going to have to invest in your own fluency development to be able to be that person.

Speaker 1:

So, as we kind of wrap up this conversation, ask yourself what would you change on your campus if your principal already saw you as their trusted advisor? How would you speak to one another? What kinds of suggestions would you be making? Where would you lead and then think about what is stopping you from doing those things. Now, even if your title doesn't support those activities. People don't think the school counselor should do that. Well, maybe they should right.

Speaker 1:

Trusted advisors are not appointed, they're revealed, and that comes through your consistent action and showing up. Because when you start showing up like that kind of advisor, things start to change and those changes are going to be amazing. If this hit home, I really want you to sit in this. I want you to remember that, becoming the kind of trusted advisor who gets to be at the table, who gets to be part of the decision making and who gets considered when big changes are being made. That isn't about charm or luck or waiting to finally be acknowledged. It's about fluency in how schools work, what students need and how you respond in real time when things start to hit the fan.

Speaker 1:

But it's also about relationship, because your principal isn't just listening for those solutions.

Speaker 1:

They're watching how you show up, how steady you are, how clearly you think in the moment and how much safer the room feels when you're standing in it.

Speaker 1:

That's what makes someone a trusted advisor and that is what we are building each and every week in our School for School Counselors Mastermind. Through real consultation, real support, real strategy, not just conversations designed to drive your consumption of some random resource. We want to make you not just technically capable which we do but also personally credible. So if you are tired of being second guest on your campus, if you're ready to feel undeniable when you speak up on certain situations, and if you are ready for your leadership to finally see you as a leader on your campus, you need to come join us, because we're not just talking about how to be liked, we're talking about how to be trusted, and the mastermind can give you the tools and the confidence to be able to earn that trust. All right, I'll be back soon with another episode of the School for School Counselors podcast. In the meantime, I hope you have the best week, take care.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Steph Johnson

Host