School for School Counselors Podcast

GRADED: Confidentiality

• School for School Counselors • Episode 164

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"What you say in here, stays in here…” 

We’ve all said it, but it’s a promise that never came from schools, and it’s costing us trust with students, parents, and administrators. 

In this Graded episode, I examine how near-absolute confidentiality has been implemented in school counseling, the fallout it’s created, and why the grade I’m giving it might surprise you.

We’ll trace how confidentiality migrated from clinical counseling into schools without informed consent, why the line we were trained to use is misleading at best, and how it has fueled parental distrust, administrative micromanagement, and even new state legislation.

If you’ve ever felt caught between protecting student privacy and keeping parents informed, this episode will give you the clarity- and the courage- you need to move forward differently.


References (Annotated)

American Counseling Association. (2014). ACA Code of Ethics. Alexandria, VA: Author. https://www.counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf
The foundational ethical guide for all counselors. Section B.1.b. and A.2.d. directly address confidentiality with minors and the need to explain limits clearly.

American School Counselor Association. (2022). ASCA Ethical Standards for School Counselors. Alexandria, VA: Author. https://schoolcounselor.org/ethics
School-specific ethical standards. Section A.2.a. emphasizes protecting confidentiality “to the extent possible,” while A.2.d. requires informing students upfront about its limits.

Harrichand, J. J. S., Knight, A. M., & Captari, L. E. (2021). Moral injury among mental health professionals: Risk, impact, and recovery. Counseling and Values, 66(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1002/cvj.12155
Explains how moral injury—acting against one’s ethical compass—contributes to counselor stress and burnout. Directly ties to the personal cost of impossible confidentiality decisions.

Isaacs, M. L., & Stone, C. B. (2001). Confidentiality with minors: Current views and practices of school counselors. Professional School Counseling, 4(4), 258–265. https://doi.org/10.1177/2156759X0100400405
A classic study showing how school counselors navigate confidentiality with students. One of the earliest peer-reviewed examinations of the real-world gap between ethics and practice.

Remley, T. P., & Huey, W. C. (2002). An analysis of legal and ethical issues in school counseling. Professional School Counseling, 6(1), 33–39. https://doi.org/10.1177/2156759X0200600107
An overview of common legal/ethical dilemmas in school counseling, including confidentiality, and strategies for reducing liability while maintaining professional integrity.

Stone, C. (2017). School counseling principles: Ethics and law (4th ed.). Alexandria, VA: American School Counselor Association.
Widely used textbook by Carolyn Stone, the leading voice on legal and ethical issues in school counseling. Offers detailed guidance on confidentiality and parent rights.


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⭐️ Want support with real-world strategies that actually work on your campus? We’re doing that every day in the School for School Counselors Mastermind. Come join us! ⭐️

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All names, stories, and case studies in this episode are fictionalized composites drawn from real-world circumstances. Any resemblance to actual students, families, or school personnel is coincidental. Details have been altered to protect privacy.

Speaker 1:

What you say in here stays in here.

Speaker 1:

Unless you want to hurt yourself, you want to hurt others or someone is hurting. You Sound familiar? I know it does. If you've said that line to students, you are not alone, because most of us were trained to say it. It sounds professional and clinical. Professional and clinical. We memorized it in grad school, practiced it during our internships and delivered it with confidence to hundreds and maybe even thousands of students over the course of our careers. But here's the problem that statement isn't just misleading, it's straight up wrong. And more than that, our near-absolute approach to confidentiality in school counseling is slowly dismantling our ability to help kids blindsided by angry parents and micromanaged by nervous principles. I've realized that the very tool we've relied on for protecting confidentiality is actually destroying the trust we need to help them. Hey, skoll Counselor, welcome back In this episode of our graded series. We're tackling what you say in here stays in here. We were trained to say it, but the uncomfortable truth is that that promise didn't come from research. It didn't even come from schools. Today I'll share why the line is misleading how near absolute confidentiality has eroded trust and a better framework you can start using right away. So if you're ready for some straight talk, my friend, some clarity on your work and a little bit of rebellion, you're going to be in the right place.

Speaker 1:

I'm Steph Johnson and this is the School for. So how did we get here? How did a profession that's dedicated to helping kids end up with a core practice that actually works against us? For most of us it started in grad school when they handed us these little sound bites about confidentiality. They sounded clinical and professional and trustworthy. And man, they were easy to memorize, right Catchy. What you say in here stays in here, unless that just became our go-to script. And it didn't help when teachers pay teachers came onto the scene and suddenly everybody had a way to distribute these statements in cute little pictorial form little signs to put in your office with bumblebees or flags or whatever it was. But these confidentiality statements weren't designed for schools. They were borrowed from clinical counseling, where confidentiality really can be nearly absolute. Think about it this way In private practice, when a teenager walks in for therapy, their parents have already signed informed consent documents, and those documents spell out exactly what confidentiality means and where the limits are.

Speaker 1:

Everyone in the game knows the rules from day one. That model works beautifully in clinical settings, but in schools we have very few of those ground rules. There's no signed consent, no agreements, no formal sit-down with the parents. And yet we've carried this private practice playbook into our school counseling offices and wondered why it started blowing up in our faces. Most school counselors don't stop to think about the fact that we never actually obtain informed consent for counseling services. In schools we operate under something called implied consent. It's the assumption that because students are enrolled, they can access counseling services. But in that scenario neither students nor parents actually understand what they're agreeing to. That's where assent comes in, and we have to gain that assent in developmentally appropriate ways. But if I'm being honest, based on the conversations that I've had with hundreds of school counselors, we rarely gain assent clearly.

Speaker 1:

And then, to complicate things even more, somewhere along the way we were sold this idea that shielding kids from their parents was the ultimate form of advocacy, that if a child came to you with depression or substance abuse, sexuality questions or family conflict, your job was to be the shield. Sometimes there's truth in that line of thinking. There are families where disclosure could cause harm, but over time those exceptions became the rule and we started approaching every parent with suspicion, and that's where the real trouble began. So real world. What happens when we keep leaning into this idea of confidentiality at all costs? Let's walk through the fallout, because it is hitting us literally on every level.

Speaker 1:

First, let's talk about parents. For years we've been told that kids come to us because their parents can't or won't do their jobs. But for most families that narrative just doesn't match reality. Most parents do care, most parents want to help, and when they're cut out of the things that are going on, it doesn't feel protective To them, it feels like betrayal. And then we've gone and made it worse, because in our professional culture, in school counseling culture, the stories that go viral are always the horror stories the parents who explode in the office or shame their kids or just don't get it. Even the parents that threaten their children upon disclosure threaten their children upon disclosure. Those stories get repeated and they get amplified until they start to feel like they're the norm. And what rarely gets shared are the hundreds and hundreds of collaborative wins Parents who came in, got the information and actually helped to turn things around.

Speaker 1:

But because of the proliferation of the bad stories, we started to believe that parents were the enemy and, to be real about it, the parents feel it. Then there are the students. They hear us say what you say in here stays in here, and they believe it until the moment we have to break that promise. And when that happens, they feel completely blindsided, they feel betrayed, and then word starts spreading fast Don't tell the counselor, they'll just tell your parents. Some students also discover that how they share information shapes what happens next. They learned that framing situations as something bigger or scarier can lead to more one-on-one time or relief from being in class, sometimes special privileges, and they're not doing it necessarily for manipulation. It's just how the system is set up. But when confidentiality is treated as absolute, it can reinforce these unhealthy cycles instead of connecting kids to the deeper, long-term supports that they actually need.

Speaker 1:

When we've talked about parents and students, let's shift to our administrators, because when parents complain and they will that complaint lands on the principal's desk and your administrator isn't going to evaluate your decisions through the lens of the ASCA Code of Ethics. They're going to evaluate it through the lens of optics. Are parents angry? Are calls going to the superintendent? Is this going to turn into a headline? Are calls going to the superintendent? Is this going to turn into a headline. So when they hear that you've been quote keeping secrets, they don't see an ethical counselor, they see a liability and their responses are pretty predictable. Typically we see more rules come into place, more oversight, more micromanagement of the school counselor, and suddenly your professional discretion shrinks.

Speaker 1:

And as if that was not enough, finally, let's zoom out to the public square, the school boards and the state houses and the media, because what we call privacy they call secrecy, and secrecy plays terribly with the public. This is not new. In the 90s, the big thing was pregnancy. In the 2000s it was drugs and alcohol, and parents argued if my kid is drinking or pregnant. I deserve to know. That storyline hasn't changed.

Speaker 1:

What we frame as protection, the public frames as secrecy. The public frames as secrecy, and secrecy, especially when it involves children, has never played well. Let's be honest. In the broader cultural climate right now it makes things even worse. Stories of child exploitation, from Epstein to online trafficking scares those have all heightened suspicion of any adult who appears to be keeping things hidden. So when school counselors talk about confidentiality, parents don't always hear protection, they hear secrecy.

Speaker 1:

And in today's world, secrecy is automatically linked with danger, which brings us to now. The public narrative has escalated into outright fear that counselors are influencing kids on gender identity and deliberately hiding it from families. Now are there isolated cases of poor practice? Of course, you can find those in any profession, but they're not the norm. The problem is nuance doesn't matter. Once the story hits the news, loud, dramatic cases set the narrative and the new laws that we see in Texas, florida and beyond are the result.

Speaker 1:

And with all of this swirling around us, with the angry parents and the distrustful students and the cautious administrators and the lawmakers writing new restrictions, there is another casualty we don't talk enough about, and that's you, the school counselor, because as you're listening, you're probably feeling this in your bones. The school counselors who struggle most with questions of confidentiality are not the ones who are careless, they're the ones who care the most. You are the one lying awake at night replaying the conversations, wondering if you made the right call, wondering if you made the right call, wondering if you made the right disclosure. You're the one that's carrying this impossible weight of trying to be everything to everyone. Research has a name for this. It's called moral injury, the distress that happens when you're forced to act against your own ethical compass. Studies in the school counseling field and in other fields show how these impossible role demands fuel counselor burnout, and that's what many school counselors are experiencing it's systemic harm. So if this is the wreckage, where parents are cut out, students are betrayed, administrators are clamping down, lawmakers are writing new restrictions and counselors themselves are breaking under the weight of all this pressure where do we go from here? Well, it's not telling parents everything, but it's also not clinging to secrecy until we see our role completely disappear from schools into secrecy, until we see our role completely disappear from schools.

Speaker 1:

The answer lies in balance. I call this balanced transparency and in practice, from the very start of things, we're saying this is your space to talk privately and most of the time, what you share stays between us. But sometimes we might need to involve your parent or another adult and if that happens, I'm going to tell you first and you're going to have a say in how we do it. Here's how this whole thing works in practice. I see this as three zones. A green zone would be everyday concerns, something like a sixth grader that's anxious about a math test or a high schooler that has some worries about some friend drama. These are normal developmental concerns, so keep them private. But then if involving parents could actually help, you might ask the student would you be okay if we talk to your mom about study strategies and if they say no, respect it? This teaches students that their voice matters and it also doesn't overstep when we confront ongoing struggles, that's when we head to the yellow zone.

Speaker 1:

A ninth grader admits to vaping, a seventh grader is being bullied. A student struggling with persistent sadness is finding it's affecting their grades. These aren't immediate safety crises, but they're not small problems either. So in this situation we might tell the student your parents should probably know about this so they can help support you. How do you think we should share it? We could do it together, in person or through a note, or maybe even another way. What do you think?

Speaker 1:

Collaborative disclosure is the name of the game here, not the counselor as the gatekeeper. And then, with safety concerns, of course, we're in the red zone. Suicidal thoughts, abuse, plans to hurt someone these are non-negotiables. Right Disclosure must happen. But even here we're going to bring the student into the process. This problem is bigger than both of us and the law says there are people that we have to tell about this. So let's talk about what might happen when we tell the people that need to know. If we use this balanced transparency approach, we're explaining up front what counseling involves, what the limits are and how the decisions get made. Now you might be listening to these examples of green and yellow and red zones and thinking, man, what if I ask them how we're going to share and they say no? What if they refuse? What if they give me an answer I'm not expecting? What do I do then? This is critical and it's important to think about because you have to realize that, although it feels immediate, you often do not have to make these decisions by yourself.

Speaker 1:

One of the strongest principles in Carolyn Stone's ethics framework is consultation, seeking input from colleagues, supervisors and other professionals when you're facing complex confidentiality decisions. It's best practice. When you're sitting with a student disclosure that falls in that yellow zone, don't wrestle with it by yourself. Reach out to a supervisor, talk to the school psychologist, consult with other experienced counselors, because consultation isn't just about being ethically sound. It's about being protective of your role professionally. When you document that you sought input, you're demonstrating thoughtful decision-making. The thing is, consultation requires community, and that's something that's often hard to come by for school counselors. It requires having trusted professionals that you can turn to when things get complicated. The good news is that's exactly what we've built in the School for School Counselors Mastermind. It's a community of experienced counselors who understand these ethical dilemmas because they're living them in real time too. So if you don't have a community, you might want to look our direction.

Speaker 1:

But back to balanced transparency. Let's share what a success story might look like in that framework. A 10th grader discloses that she's been cutting. Instead of promising to keep it private, the school counselor says hey, your parents probably need to know so they can get you the help that I just can't give you at school. How would you like to tell them about it? Should I be there with you or would you prefer to tell them on your own first? So the student chooses to have the school counselor there and, yes, there were tears and there were oogie feelings. But three months later the student was in weekly therapy, her parents had learned how to better support her and she comes back and tells her counselor I am so glad we did not keep this secret. That's what balanced transparency can make possible.

Speaker 1:

So confidentiality this is the graded series. So we need to grade this Confidentiality as a concept, I'm going to give an A+. It's essential, it's backed by research and it's foundational to the school counseling profession. But the way we've been implementing it in schools, that is a big fat C minus. Yes, you heard me right. We get a C minus in implementing confidentiality, not because we're bad at it, but because we've borrowed the wrong model. We've tried to force that wrong model into schools and we've accidentally created distrust in the process. The good news is that the grade doesn't have to stay a C right. We can always grow and improve. Once we know better, we can do better and with balanced transparency, we can all work together to raise the grade.

Speaker 1:

Now, before we go, I do want to address a concern that might be sitting like an elephant in the room. You may be thinking what if students stop coming to me? But to be honest, students don't come to school counselors just because of absolute confidentiality. They come because you listen without judgment, because you help them solve their problems, because you make them feel less alone, and those qualities only get stronger when you're working through balanced transparency. Here are some things that you can start doing this week. You can start doing this week.

Speaker 1:

First, if you have one of those horrible what you say in here stays in here signs in your office, destroy it. It is the delight of my life when people send me videos. This is true, this really happens when people send me videos and pictures of them destroying their confidentiality signs. I love it so much because they're just so untrue. Second, reconsider your spoken confidentiality statement. Use the language that I shared. This is your space to talk privately and most of the time, what you share is going to stay between us, but sometimes we may need to involve your parent or another adult and if that happens, I'll tell you first and then you'll have a voice in how we do it. Third, practice this with a colleague. Get comfortable with the language and with the explanation before you try to use it with students. If you don't have a colleague to practice with, practice it in the mirror, run through it in your head in a mental rehearsal, whatever it takes, but somehow practice this thing before you deploy it. And last this is going to be crucial Somewhere somehow sit down with your administrator, even if just for a couple of minutes, and explain this approach before you implement it, because if parents ever ask questions, you want your principal, understanding your reasoning before the mess ever hits the fan, and that's a good rule of thumb for anything.

Speaker 1:

The bottom line, my friend, is that we didn't get in this profession to keep secrets. If we did, this should be a whole other conversation. We got into school counseling to help kids, and sometimes helping kids means involving the adults that love them the most. So if you are all wrapped up in this idea that being a so-called good counselor is about keeping secrets, I think it's time for a reframe. Maybe being a good school counselor is about being brave enough to involve the right people at the right time, skilled enough to make parents partners rather than adversaries, and wise enough to know when problems are bigger than what any one person can handle alone. So I'll leave you with this Are you promising secrecy or are you building trust through measured transparency? Our profession is too important to kids to let secrecy destroy it. I'll be back soon with another episode of the School for School Counselors podcast. In the meantime, I hope you have the best week. Take care.

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Steph Johnson

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